Dear World: Identity
Like many males, I lack many a thing. I lack confidence, I lack direction, and I also lack female genitalia.
But there's one thing I feel I lack more than others: I lack identity.
I, being the idiotic idealist that I am, assumed that all my problems can be solved with the use of Google. One of the biggest problems that I've re-realised in recent days is that I really need to sort out my confidence.
So, because I didn't know how to myself, and those who I asked didn't seem to know either, I Googled "how to get confidence".
There where many sites there, all offering mainly the same type of advice. One piece of advice was to write everything you see that is good and bad about you. As an example for things that might be good, many of the sites suggested things like "good listener" or "good sense of humour".
And those are the things that confuse me about life.
This might seem a bit odd or slightly bizarre, or something else that means the same thing, but I don't understand how people can honestly say that they have a good sense of humour or something similar without proof.
Because, you know, humour is relative. Something I find hilarious will probably offend every other humanoid in existence bar a few. Does that mean that I have a bad sense of humour?
And by the by, I'm not just focusing on humour, I'm thinking about everything, every single descriptive word that can be connected to man.
I was doing something I do best recently, which was reading people's blogs on the internet, and I came across some people's biographies. Snippets of information that the writer believes will show others their real colours or something similar.
Some people say that they are a loving, kind person who can write prose like the pros. Others say that they are some sort of angel of comedy or something. I don't know, I thought too much about the "prose like the pros" joke to think of other examples.
And then there's me, a 20-year-old humanoid in possession of a penis, having no idea how to describe myself.
I'd like to think that I'm an honest, funny person. Someone that people can rely on and feel comfortable to turn to when they need help or something. But in all honestly, I can't believe that. I only really believe what others tell me I am.
And before I hear the words "that's not right, you've got to be your own person, just be yourself and believe whatever you want to be" and stuff, hear me out. Or read me out. The latter makes more sense, but somewhat sounds slightly disgusting.
There is only a few things that I know I am. I am, in the most basic state, alive. I am a human, then a male, and then Welsh, then a student. Other than that, I have no idea how to characterise myself apart from being a Welsh male student of the human variety.
In my thought process - which is not the most reliable citation for a Wikipedia article - I think that it's not up to me to characterise me, it's up to the people who know me, the people who meet me.
When I say "it's not up to me to characterise me", I don't say that as in it's up to everyone in existence to mould me into something. All I mean is that it's up to the people that come into contact with me to decide who and how I am. I'm still my own person with characteristics and that, I just don't think I can truly be correct about who I am.
And before I end, may I point out something that I find somewhat interesting but others may not? I can? Brillo pads.
Have you noticed that for the entirety of this piece of text, and quite possibly every other thing that I write, I don't describe myself as a man?
I always find pathetic workarounds to tell people that I am male. It's been like that ever since I was introduced to the world of social media, back in the day where MySpace was the dog's doodas and the iPhone was a mere glint in Apple's eye.
The first time I wrote an "about me" section, I wrote something similar to "I have testicles and a penis, which categorises me as a male of my species".
I was fourteen when I had my first social network. And now, nearly seven years later, I still can't call myself a man, even though I'm at that age where I should be comfortable with that name.
I doubt it's because I have not done "manly" things. You know, I've yet to impregnate a woman, I've yet to buy a house and live on my own, I can't sit around with other men and talk about manly stuff like football or peanut butter or whatever men talk about these days, because I just feel rather awkward doing it.
I don't know why, my dearest world, but for me, defining yourself is possibly the hardest thing someone can do. Well, other than realising that you're mortal and will die one day, but you know what I mean.
But for me, even describing my gender is difficult. I don't need to do it in person, since it's obvious that I'm male. But it's those levels of maledom where there's a lot of weight on such a small word.
I don't see myself as a boy, but I'm not yet a woman. Er, I mean, man. Not yet a man. Curse you, Britney Spears.
In other news, I've yet to find a way to build up confidence. If there are tips available, please let me know. As long as it doesn't involve looking at myself in the mirror and telling myself that I'm like a lion and I'll pounce on all opportunities in my way.
I thank ye, World.